RESIDENTS of Dirleton are advised not to panic.
After approximately 520 years of family exile, I, Frank N. Shumard, a descendant of the Haliburtons of Dirleton, hereby announce my return to Scotland to reclaim an overdue family inheritance – Dirleton Castle.
The Haliburtons came into possession of the castle in the mid-fourteenth century through marriage and spent the next century and a half expanding and defending it.
Then, in 1505, the direct Haliburton line at Dirleton came to an end, and the castle passed into other hands. Five hundred and twenty years is, in my opinion, quite long enough.
Accordingly, on Monday, August 24, I shall present myself at the gates of the castle and request that possession be returned to the family whose name echoed through its Great Hall. Should my request be denied, the Siege of Dirleton shall commence.
Fortunately, my invading force has been carefully assembled. It consists of one determined American, his Lady-in-Waiting, one loyal Scotsman and his father, a camera, comfortable walking shoes, and a credit card for tea, scones, and souvenirs.
My Lady-in-Waiting, Lynn, has agreed to accompany me. After more than 40 years as a cardiac nurse, she has informed me that any attempt to storm the walls will result in an immediate medical evaluation followed by a stern lecture.
Standing beside us will be my Scottish friends, Gareth Marr and his father, Gerard. I first met Gareth when his family lived in the United States and he was only three. Gareth insists he is merely driving us to Dirleton.
Unlike the sieges of centuries past, this one will feature no battering rams or flaming arrows.
Instead, I intend to unleash a barrage of polite questions about Haliburton history, an unreasonable number of photographs, and requests for the “descendants’ discount.”
If the defenders refuse to surrender, I am prepared to occupy the nearest gift shop until negotiations begin.
My demands are entirely reasonable. I seek bragging rights, complimentary admission, storytelling privileges, and a brass plaque that reads: “The Haliburtons came back. Better late than never.”
To the people of East Lothian, thank you for caring for our family’s old home.
Dirleton Castle has survived wars, invasions, Oliver Cromwell, and centuries of Scottish weather.
It now faces its greatest challenge yet – a retired American with a family tree and too much free time.
This announcement is, of course, tongue-in-cheek. My thanks go to the people of Dirleton and to Historic Environment Scotland for preserving one of Scotland’s great castles.
Frank N. Shumard
Shell Knob
Missouri
PS: To those looking after Dirleton Castle: please don’t raise the drawbridge before I arrive. I’ve waited 520 years to come home. Another few minutes would seem inhospitable. And if anyone discovers a parchment beginning with the words, “To the Haliburton family...”, please don’t throw it away. It may be my deed.
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