Tim's Tales: It’s important to talk

I have experienced parenthood in different circumstances over the last 25 years, which has given me an understanding of many of the challenges, as well as the joys of it.

I know we don’t need children to feel fulfilled in life; I have friends my age who aren’t parents and are very happy. They have freedoms and possibilities I don’t, but I truly love their success, sense of purpose and creative joy. We all seek fulfilment in different ways and I’d never regret my choice to have children or covet another lifestyle; who I love has made me who I am.

Of course, I’ve never been perfect, I’ve made mistakes from which I hope I’ve learnt, and it seems that the learning never stops. Every child is different – not just different in character but different in needs, abilities and ways of being. What works for one may not work for a sibling. Every parent will recognise, I’m sure, the mix of challenge and joy of nurturing your children as they grow up.

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But one constant in all this for me has been a regular feeling of being inadequate as a parent. I know I’m not alone in this, as I have spoken with other parents I know, both personally and through working with families, who have told me they often feel the same way, both dads and mums.

This anxiety in some ways is created by their love for their kids, as they want to do the best for them. Maybe we are more reflective parents than the generations before, with so much advice and information on parenting, and the importance of child development. This is not a bad thing for our children but it can add hugely to the pressure of being a parent, and sometimes make us feel we are failing and not reaching the mark that childcare professionals have set.

Parenting can bring a number of challenges

But I see amazing parents doing their best, as almost all parents do. I see them juggling with so many things: work, paying the bills, work-life balance, trying to find the time to fit everything in, being present to understand their children’s emotions and support them with their behaviour. But that’s the thing: someone can feel on the inside what doesn’t appear on the outside, regardless of success and achievements.

These last two years have piled on the pressure for us all, with lockdowns and their deep-seated emotional effects on children, as well as their parents. It’s impacted on levels of community and family support as well, and just as we seem to be slowly coming out of it, and things are beginning to feel more ‘normal’, we face a cost of living crisis which will plunge many families into new levels of financial anxiety or poverty.

The storm of the crisis has already reached us, with rising prices in the shops, and what’s coming is, frankly, scary for many families. Many are going to have to make very difficult decisions, and all this can add to the pressures on parents, not just financially but emotionally too. Financial worries impact on so many aspects of our lives and, when you’re a parent, it has an extra dimension. Parental mental health is as vital as income, and we need to acknowledge the links between them both.

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So I’m going to do my best to tell myself what I say to other parents, that I am good enough and I am doing my best in sometimes difficult circumstances. I think many of us find that hard to do, I know I do. But it’s vital to be kind and understanding to ourselves, as we would be to others.

So I will find new ways to do that in the challenging times ahead, and part of it will be candid and honest talking with friends and those I trust, including my family.

You’d think as a storyteller I’d be good at talking, and I think I am. But sometimes we talk about anything except the way we really feel.