Luckless Douglas

SOME late news from last weekend’s Scottish Tory conference where leader Douglas Ross had a thoroughly torrid time of it. After getting the lurgy and being made to shake hands with Boris Johnson, luckless Douglas suffered an autocue breakdown in his big speech. Tweedy Scottish Secretary Alister Jack urged him to take a paper back-up copy, but Dougie shooed him away and insisted all would be well. The machine duly froze and Mr Ross ended up yammering in terror while it was restarted. Afterwards, he was heard muttering about “f***ing Alister Jack” looking unbearably smug. Although how on earth could he tell?

Laughing gas

FASCINATING news this week that the Scottish Liberal Democrats and Scottish Labour had each bagged £200,000 from the same donor, Renfrewshire firm Peak Scientific. When one tabloid reported they’d taken cash from a “gas generator firm to oppose the SNP at Holyrood”, Green MSP Maggie Chapman smelled fossil fuels and went ballistic. The parties’ leaders were “destroying their environmental credentials", she fumed. Alas, the firm’s machines generate nitrogen and hydrogen for medical purposes, and her outraged tweet was swiftly deleted, but not before the LibDems had a good hoot at her expense.

Political Doner

The new register of MPs’ interests has a bizarre gem courtesy of North East Fife LibDem Wendy Chamberlain. The former cop declared two tickets, used by her staff, for the recent British Kebab Awards valued at a tasty £500. Intrigued, Unspun found a video of the prize for the best kebab in Scotland. Surreally, it was presented by SNP MP Alison Thewliss, who was also a judge. By happy coincidence, it was won by a takeaway in her Glasgow Central seat. If she’d been there, what would detective Chamberlain have made of it all?

Hard felines

TORY MSP Russell Findlay boasted about his Russian connection in Holyrood magazine this week. Well, his ownership of a Siberian cat, at any rate. He told the trivia-tastic ‘Politicians and their Pets’ feature that three-year-old Yoshi had hypnotic green eyes which “radiate contempt - similar to how Nicola Sturgeon looks at Douglas Ross”. Mmm. Should we tell him it’s not just the FM who looks at him like that? Mr Findlay’s animal magnetism also seems in short supply. Asked which creature he’d like to be, he replied: “A Holyrood pigeon, crapping all over the miserable concrete bunker.” Charming.

Queue Jumper

OUTSPOKEN SNP backbencher John Mason was taken aback at Tuesday’s Finance Committee after finally being allowed to ask questions before all the good ones were snapped up. Fresh from winding up party colleagues with his conversation therapy comments, the Glasgow Shettleston MSP, who is usually left with just the dregs to ask committee witnesses, was shocked when he was given the green light to grill SNP public finance minister Tom Arthur a mere 27 minutes into the meeting. Seen scrambling through his notes after being forced to sit through convener Kenny’s Gibson’s in conversation session with the minister, Mr Mason gleefully said “it’s unusual for me to come in second so that’s very nice”, with a barbed “for a change” for good measure.